Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Forgiveness

Stinky clothes on a clean bed

For me, I have to forgive someone everyday. Every. Single. Day.
I confess, that often times, it's me I'm forgiving.

You see...I love neatness in my outer world. My closets and drawers are hidden, so I don't care :0)
I need to walk into a room and see nothing but what should be showing. If it's showing and isn't supposed to be showing...please pick it up and shove it somewhere where I won't see it. I say won't...not can't. I won't see it if you shove it in a drawer or a closet if I don't go in there. Which I won't.

Please don't lie on my freshly made bed unless you see I am already messing it up by lying on it myself. If you accidentally break this rule...please spread the covers out perfectly straight before cowering back out of my door on your hands and knees pleading for forgiveness.

Please don't leave a spec of a crumb anywhere...because I can SEE it. Lick. It. Up.

Please put your dishes in the dishwasher where I can't see them. They make me crazy. Wait...there's a dish in the sink!!!! Who did not follow my rule????? Oh...it's mine. Sorry.

For the love of all that is holy, good and crazy...please...please...please...throw your jacket in the closet where I won't see it. Shove it in there quickly and shut the door before I pop a vein.

This is my Swamp. I am Shrek. I need order in my swamp.

But...I love you. I forgive you. Can you forgive me?


Truly, I am doing my best...

My dad was diagnosed early this year with Alzheimer's. Moderate to severe. It manifested quickly, though I suspect he was hiding symptoms as best as he could for a couple of years. I guess he knew my rule and I wouldn't see it.

I have been caring for him in his apartment for months. Taking him food, paying his bills...taking him to doctor appointments...trying to make sure he was safe.

Well...I saw him on a Friday. He was good. I went to see him on the next Tuesday to take him to the doctor...I got a phone call on the way to his apt. from the office saying he hadn't picked up his meal in 2 days. They'd last seen him Saturday afternoon...

The social worker in the building met me at the front door of the building and we went up to his apartment together. He rarely answers his phone...but he usually calls me back within a couple of hours when he notices I've called. He hadn't called me back that day.

We went in and found him lying on his chair...still in his underwear. His apartment was a shambles with newspapers and candy flung everywhere. He said he couldn't get up. He said he had fallen that morning and could barely get back to his chair. His mouth was drooped on his right side and he couldn't raise his right arm. I immediately called 911 and got an ambulance there. The hospital doctors determined...

...he'd had a stroke. a mild one. But it left him without the use of his right hand.
He was also in acute renal failure...still is.

He was in the hospital for 4 days and then went to a skilled nursing facility when his blood work showed a slight improvement in his kidneys.

3 days later...his blood work showed his kidneys to be worsening and his appetite (which was already very small) was gone...he was vomiting. Madley and I took him to the Nephrologist at his primary care doctor's request and this very sweet doctor looked him over...looked at his labs and had us take him straight to the emergency room. They admitted him to the hospital...again.



Hard Decisions 

Dad has NO appetite and can't hold down anything but water. He had a UTI and his kidneys are damaged...but not necessarily beyond repair. We got is UTI managed and now he is on temporary dialysis to make him more comfortable. His first treatment was last night. He did great. 2 more this week to see if his appetite returns at all.

His short term memory is now completely gone. He remembers 20-30-40-50-60-70 years ago just fine. He remembers us...though at times, he thinks a nurse is my daughter or my daughter is a nurse :0) But he asks the same question or makes the same statement over and over and over again. He doesn't remember the previous day, let alone the previous minute.

He flirts (innocently) with the nurses...they love him. He jokes with the doctor...who is not amused.

So for now...we will see if we can get him feeling better. If not. I have some very hard decisions to make. I will go along with his wishes he conveyed to me long ago when his mind was still intact.

Life is a journey...he is moving on to the next part. 

...and I will have to forgive him for putting me through this...because he is so darn stubborn and shoved his mind in a closet where I wouldn't see it.






7 comments:

  1. Very well put, Lindy. <3 and hugs to you.

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  2. Very poignant. I know many of us are going to have to deal with this in our own lives. My dad and I have had quite a few talks about when and what to do. I don't like having those talks.

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  3. Oh Lindy, I'm sorry you're having to go through all that with your dad. It is so hard to watch my grandparents aging that I can't even stand to think about when it will be my own parents. You and your dad will be in my prayers:)

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  4. Thanks Marci...here is the update-http://lindyandree.blogspot.com/2012/09/gone-but-never-forgotten.html

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